It is so much more clearer to me know but because I am a revert toIslam I had a life before I took the Shahada. I guess in many ways I see that in the past I was likely already a Muslim in many ways. I have always believed in one Creator and only one. I have always had an uneasy feeling about the philosophy that God would send his son in the flesh and blood form of a human in full knowledge that he would be
persecuted and that pain would be inflicted on him in order that we be saved for our sins. I always thought that if God is Merciful and all Powerful He can forgive those that He wishes. Of course I always believed that Jesus, peace be upon him, was sent to us to teach us and to preach to us the message from God. I always believed that if Jesus was not God but a human Prophet of God that his life and his example
of how he lived his life would hold dearer meaning to me as a human.
We would certainly expect in no uncertain terms God on Earth to live a good life very easily and God on Earth could never be tempted by Shaytan. To see Jesus, peace be upon him, as a Prophet of God takes
on a greater meaning for me as it shows me that Jesus, peace be upon him, as a human being like me is capable of great goodness and mercy
and kindness and I must strive for these things as it is possible as a human being to be these things. If Jesus was God I questioned how we
as humans would look upon God on Earth whom we are trying to emulate when we know God on Earth would have a different inherent ability to
avoid temptation, to be merciful, to live, than we do. Jesus, peace be upon him being human and a great Prophet teaches me that, yes, we
as humans can strive and must follow his teachings.
Islam has actually strengthened my feelings towards Jesus, peace be upon him.
Getting back to why I embraced Islam. Although I believed in God I always questioned my purpose on Earth. In my life before I embraced
Islam I didn’t have a system in place to help me become closer to God. Because of this I feel I had often become further from Allah (God).
A few years ago my mother was with me. She was living in the end stages of cancer. Knowing she was going to die very soon I became fearful of death and became acutely aware that in our society we don’t speak of death and also partly in recognition of this I realized we don’t have a solid understanding of what the purpose of life is.
While mom was dying, or I should say living her last few days here on Earth as a human, I was researching online the question, is there a
GOD? I was questioning my faith about the existence of God.
Before I became Muslim I lived a life typical of everyday people in North America…not living ever day in awareness of Allah and in
thanks of Allah’s gifts before us. Because of this it was easy not to recognize the beauty of the Earth and the remarkable systems in place
as having been created by Allah ( I used the word God for me at the time). I wanted to truly believe in God because mom was dying and
this shook my belief system to the core. Through mom dying I realized that I was not that strong in my faith of God but I wanted desperately
to believe. I was scared. Scared of not knowing. Scared of death…because I had no solid system of belief in place.
Through my research I read about the complexities of the systems in place on the Earth. I read how the water evaporates from the oceans
into the clouds and then falls to Earth as drinkable non salty water. I read how the surface tension of water ensures that it falls to Earth
in small drops instead of huge sheets. ( Look at how merciful Allah,
all praises be to him, is.) I read how water can climb against
gravity do to it’s makeup in order to provide sustenance to the
leaves. I read how the sunlight and carbon dioxide is changed into
oxygen through the process of photosynthesis within the leaf. I also
read about an analogy of the chances of having a tornado pick up a
jumbo jet and take all the pieces apart and leave them on the ground
and then another wind pick them up and put them together again….and
that we would certainly not attribute such a complex action to chance
and that it would be impossible….. but how much more complex the
Earth and it’s systems are and yet we attribute this creation to
chance?????? I came to my personal conclusion that this Earth and
this Universe in all it systems that work perfectly to the orbit of
electrons around an atom, to the joined atoms creating elements, to
our ability to feel, hear, see, touch…. I could not deny the signs
of a well organized creation that was not haphazardly put together.
Obviously I saw at that point that the Universe was created with
purpose and must have been created by a purposeful creator! Through
reading and praying I came to my conclusion, God exists. And I
believe in one God to due to the well organized systems in place.
So now my belief in God was solidified. This was good….but mom
died….and although I believed in God I didn’t have a system in place
to worship and become closer to my creator. To my creator whom I
could no longer deny the existence of. I believe that God has always
been showing me signs and helping guard me from Shaytan but without
the fundamental pillars of Islam to help me live my day to day life in
accordance to God’s wishes for me ( therefor in submission to God) and
to become closer to God there was always more room in my heart for
Shaytan to place doubt, fear, and worry. I was always dealing with
large amounts of ANXIETY about many things.
I truly believe that Allah, all praises and glory be to He, guided me
to Islam. The time was right for me as I had lived with fear and
doubt for much of my life. When my now brother in Islam, Imam Zia
spoke to me at length about spirituality from time to time ( when I
knew him as simply and acquaintance and nothing more ) it awakened
again a yearning inside me. I realize now this yearning was not being
fed by Earthly desires such as money, business, striving for success
in terms of work position etc. Zia invited me to his house and we
talked. Earlier that week I had bought a book titled “Islam for
Dummies” ( Although the title of the book is a bit questionable it was
an eye opener for me). I began to see that Islam only reinforced my
already existing ideas. I was waiting to read something that would
make me go , “oh oh”, Islam is not for me…. But the more I read the
more I didn’t find that was the case.
So now I was in quite the position now… I was always in search for a
closer relationship with God as one entity. I acknowledged my life
was lacking a structure in this regard and I also believed in Jesus,
peace be upon him. Interestingly enough I started to think could
Islam with the 5 daily prayers help me? Again I was scared…scared,
maybe anxious…..a BIG decision was going to have to be made. But
now I see Allah, all praises and glory be to He, chose to create me so
should I not choose to thank Allah and follow the path that he wants
me to live by as a creation of him given freedom of choice.
So after reading that week Zia invited me to his house and I spoke
with him and my now brother in Islam Mohammed Yaffa. The first day I
declined the offer to take the Shahada. But by the mercy, the
patience and the strength of Alla, all praises and glory be to he, Zia
invited me again to his house. We ate and laughed and I found a
comfortableness about these two brothers. I thought my
comfortableness in their genuineness and sincerity was a good sign
that the way of life they lead is from a good position. Zia made some
good points about life being short and embracing that which is good
and rejecting that which is bad. I couldn’t reject what my heart was
telling me. It suddenly became I situation that I could not answer
with pure intellect….although all logic had led me to my conclusion
about God the final step had to be crossed by the heart. I couldn’t
find a catch in Islam for me. I took a leap in faith and took the
Shahada. I was still scared but I realized to know you have to taste
and I could never know Islam from the outside as people will paint a
picture of that which they want you to see and the pure Truth comes
from Allah not from people although good people know much truth. I
just had to see for myself not through the eyes of others, or through
books or from the media. I could always change my mind if I found
something in Islam I couldn’t live with, because by definition I am a
human with freedom of choice at all moments of my life. This is our
blessing and our responsibility from Allah, all praises and Glory be
Needless to say I haven’t found anything other than love, acceptance,
mercy and peace through pure Islam. I admit I am aware of troubles in
this world professed to be coming from religion but realize that
humans are not free from sin, fault, error and we can not analyze a
faith in God based on the failings of humans. We are not in paradise
here…..this is our test.
Through Islam ( Peace through Submission to God ). I have become
closer to Allah and my anxieties have subsided. This is not to say I
don’t still have day to day challenges as I am human but when I feel
overwhelmed I pray to Allah, all praises and glory be to He and
through his grace, power and mercy I feel better.
Who would know me better than the One who created me.
All praise and glory be to Allah.
It took me many years for me to find Islam but Allah never left me once.