Lynne M Mcglynn-Aisha
The worlds a messed up place, but it’s still worth it…for me, it’s Islam!
I used to wonder why things are the way they are. I used to wonder why I had to go through what I did too………The worlds a messed up place, but I’m finding my way…..
Why do any of us go through what we have or seen what we have seen or felt, think or done? I’ve had along time to think about it and live it and sometimes not wanting to live it…………. I’m 51 almost 52 and here is my journey to here.
LIFE IS A TEST: QURAN(2-155) Be sure We shall test you with something of fear and hunger, some loss in goods, lives and the fruits (of your toil), but give glad tidings to those who patiently persevere.
This is my test, and testimony…….
I am a result of my mother being raped, I am a product of child abuse, plus various forms of abuse that followed me till I had the courage to say no more. I have lived more or less on my own since I was 13. I traveled off and on with carnivals through out Canada, USA, and Mexico for approx. 10 years. I finally settled down, for several years in a far northern town in Alberta, Canada in 1986. This is where my journey of healing and change began.
Between that time, I had drifted, alone confused, sometimes, with others who were drifting along the same path., sometimes, I stayed for awhile. All were looking for the same things I was looking for. Love, understanding, and the feeling of safety and security. I gave everything to others I thought they wanted, sex, to be a verbal and physical punching bag, somebody else’s scapegoat. All for what I thought was love till, I felt I had been thrown away and would drift off again. Blaming others for the things that had happened and the way that I felt. I was addicted to drugs, an alcoholic, and a self-abuser. I was a liar, a thief, a scammer, a prostitute, a drug dealer, All the time believing, “Do unto others as they do to me.” Instead of believing, “Do unto others as I would like done unto me” all in the name of happiness and love.
I have been locked in a Mexican jail and gang raped by the Federal Police, and when done with me, I was deposited into the hands of the USA Border Patrol. To be let go to drift some more.
When I finally settled down in my far northern town, I was on the run from the Police (I was looking at 5 years in jail for provincial fraud of the government in the province of B.C.).
I was still an alcoholic when I went up north, but was able to get a job to live for a while. Mind you not for long I was still drinking much of the time. I was out with a friend one day just driving around drinking, I had been pregnant and had miscarried, just a couple of weeks prior. I was devastated. We went out of town to finish drinking, we got out to a place where we bush party, but it was day time so there was no party at this time, We just wanted to drink and I needed to cry. When we left, after our bottles of liquer were gone, I was driving, all I remember is turning onto the road to town, seeing a pick-up truck coming towards us, and closing one eye so that I was seeing one truck instead of three, then nothing…..
I woke up in my home safe and sound the next morning, and probably would not have thought anything of it. Thinking, I’m home, I’m safe, no problem, and kept right on as I was. Drinking, partying, looking for something, anything. But, my friends sister just happened to be following behind us that day as we came into town. She showed up on my doorstep early that morning as I was still in a semi-alcohol induced haze. Head banging, just about puking, and really not wanting to listen to someone elses crap at that moment. I really wasn’t hearing much at that particular minute, but when she asked “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW YOU GOT HOME?” I went on high alert, thinking Oh No what happened, I started listening. You have to remember I was mourning the loss of a child that I believed would change my life, I had not drank at all from the moment I knew I was pregnant. This was a wanted child. She told me I drove through a crowd of children at the town park. There was a swimming pool, playground area. People parked on the street to visit this area. I knew how busy it gets, I only lived a block from it. Thank God! I did not kill anyone.
I didn’t hear her much after that, I sat there numb. Thinking, “My God, I could have taken a child’s life, another’s darling, their baby! I would never, ever want anyone to feel the way I felt losing a child Fortunately, there was a rehabilitation center located in this community. As the numbness wore off a plan of action formulated in my mind, I knew |I could not continue on this way. I signed myself into the center for the full 42 day program. I dried out and learned a different solution. I stuck with this program for a few years. I got a job as a cook in a camp, that was further north of where I was. No bars, no resturant, no place really to social gather except with co-workers. When I was asked by the one interviewing me for the job, why I wanted the job, I told him it was because it was a two year contract to stay in the job for one, but the biggest reason was it was zero tolerance for alcohol, drugs, and fraternization amongst employee’s. I needed the job. I needed to get better, and told him a bit about going through the centers program. I really did not think I would get the job. Who would want to hire an alcoholic, just barely out of rehab. But I took a stab at telling the truth, after all I was working my program. even though I was sure it would not get me the job doing it. Well, he hired me, I took a chance, he took a chance. I stuck with it for those two years. I came off of that job with a new sense of pride, I had never felt. I was still looking for love, but now I thought, I am clean and sober now, now I can find a nice clean and sober man. Then I will be happy.
Well, I did meet a clean and sober man. I thought, he hid it well that year we were dating. He was always sober when I was with him, or only had a couple of drinks. I had told him that I would not drink. Of course, there were indications, but I chose to think he had it under control. He was not an alcoholic like me. The day we got married there was alcohol at the reception, he drank then, a bit more than just a couple, it didn’t really worry me, after all it was a celebration!
We got home after wards, came into the apartment, I walked through the door first, turned around to give him a hug…and felt my first black eye. It progressively got worse till the day I was left on the side of the highway for dead. Why did I stay so long for this to happen? I forgot I had choices. This time it was not alcohol and drugs and child abuse that made me forget it was mostly mental/physical abuse and the power of a legal piece of paper. I was still on the run from the law, I had not told him any of my horrid past, except the alcohol. I woke up in the hospital, alive, but with my back, arm and collar bones broke, missing teeth. I was in the hospital for almost seven months. All the while my husband was there hovering over me, “playing the concerned husband” (I was terrified), making sure I did not say the truth to the police. They, wanted to know how I came to be found on the side of the road almost dead. I played like I had amnesia. I went back with him for a few months, I was afraid not to, but somewhere along the time in the hospital and returning, I remembered that I had choices, and they were mine to make. I started planning till I found a way out. He didn’t touch me again when I returned, I told him I would find away to tell next time. That I was no longer afraid to die.
I didn’t do it alone, I had wonderful friends, that when they became aware of the truth, they helped with my plan. Three months, twenty=seven days and 18 hours, from the time I was released from the hospital to the time I escaped. I have not seen him since 1991.
I ran back to B.C. And turned my self into the police, really hoping they would lock me up. I figured that way he could not find me. It had to be better then what I just went through. Well I was not locked up, the courts heard my story, the fact I had quit drinking and had cleaned up my life somewhat, the fact I had turned myself in, all worked in my favor. I paid the fines and restitution, did the 3 years of probation. Kept to myself mostly. Terrified that he would look for me. I was thankful to be free, but no longer had any trust. I tried a couple of tentative relationships, but they would always end in disaster. All this time I was fighting depression and not really understanding why. I was free, not in jail, a roof over my head, a job I liked, but not happy.
I started having memory flashes after walking into a garage for a sale they were having, it was the same garage I had been badly abused in as a child. I had suppressed all memory of my childhood abuse. The depression, my life and my health spiraled down ward until 1999 when I was diagnosed with PTSD (Post traumatic Stress Disorder, and started therapy for that. During this time of therapy I isolated myself from people. It shook me so bad that any trust I had in people totally diminished. If I could not remember all the horrible things that had happened to me as a child, then what else would I not remember? I couldn’t trust anyone. I went through almost 8 years of therapy before I had the courage to share my child life with others. Both my mom and dad had passed by this time.
I have had a few starts and stops between then and now, went through a couple years of crack addiction, but I am working my program again, with the help of a Power greater then myself. I have been 7 years clean from my addiction with crack, and know today I will never go back to the life in which I came from.
Since I first published this story life has changed, again. Life is like a painting in progress, always changing and hopefully improving. The biggest change through all of this was finding a belief in God. I never had a strong faith or belief. But through my fall into addiction, I found my faith and my belief. Its hard to explain what happened to make me believe as strong as I do now, in the power of God, but it is there and leads me now. I was going to a christian church for awhile but it was not for me that I was going. A dear friend invited me and I did enjoy going with her. It was through her love and belief that I was able to find my own love for God. When she passed away I made the realization that I was going for her and not for me. I left the church, but did not deter from my belief that God truly exsisted. I did a lot of research after I left, on others beliefs. Through this I found Islam. I lost a lot of friends through this quest for truth and knowledge. When I quit the alcohol in 1988, I had to change friends, when I quit drugs, I had to change friends again. When I left the christian church and started to learn about Islam, many of them from the church abandoned me. It’s been a struggle sometimes to continue, but continue I do, for in it I have found more truth about myself then all the therapy and kind words from others could ever uplift me. I still have my days when the world gets me down but unlike therapy and the kind words of others that I sought my happiness through, Islam has fulfilled me. It sustains me like none other.
Islam has taught me so much. I have a hard time memorizing and struggle sometimes to understand but through Islam my past makes more sense. Its taught me that, Life indeed is a struggle, yet there is no victory without a battle.
“Who say, when afflicted with calamity: “To Allah we belong, and to Him is our return”: They are those on whom (Descended) blessings from their Lord, and Mercy. And they are the one’s that receive guidance.” (Qur’an2:156-157)